Okay, for all you “good kids” out there, EARMUFFS.

Verizon SUCKS BALLS.  I hate them.  The very company should be used to be an example of professional incompetence and customer mistrust.

First, they sell me an LG enV2.  Great, nice phone, works well, lasts long time.  Except….the LCD screen breaks.  Don’t know how, it just did.  It worked when I put it in my pocket at a movie theater, and when I came out, the external screen had cracked.  Now, I’ve been a customer since 2000, and my current contract had been active for about 15 months.

This sucks, because that means my factory warranty has run out.  I take the phone in.  Naturally, they can’t repair it.  Of course not; what company in their right mind would maintain their own equipment.  (Earmuffs!)  RATFUCKERS.

Okay, so there I am at the VERIZON STORE ON 25TH ST NE IN SEATTLE ACROSS FROM THE UNIVERSITY VILLAGE.  I ask the guy, so what are my options?  He says that since my phone is out of warranty, they would only replace it for manufacturer’s defects.  I said that the device was designed to reside in a pocket, right?  Then the LCD shouldn’t have broken.  His retort?  He whips his enV2 out of his handy-dandy belt pouch, and said his phone had never broken.  I thought about asking to see it and then smashing the damn thing right there.  I also thought about stuffing his head into the pouch.  I still haven’t caught this guy’s name, but his dark skinned, possibly hispanic or indian, with a real greaser-look slicked back haircut.  And those cheap dress clothes worn in cell phone stores.  He actually told me he could sell me a new phone for retail price.  That’s it.  No other options.  I considered my options:  (1) leave, return home, have a beer; (2) leave, return with the suburban, and park it in the lobby; (3) beat his greaser head into a bloody pulp, then put his pristine enV2 in the sloppy mess so that it shorts out.  Since I had skiing plans that weekend and didn’t want to miss them by being in jail, I chose the first.  That’s the only reason though.

So I went home, got my Google-Fu on, and learned that Verizon will happily replace any phone outside of its manufacturer’s warranty for $50 if it has a cracked LCD.  Again, RATFUCKER lied to me.  The next day, I drove down there.  The guy wasn’t working.  I got my new phone ordered, dropped the fifty smackers, went home, had another beer.  Two days later, FedEx drops another phone on my doorstep.  Getting there now!

I go back in, greaseball STILL isn’t there (fired, maybe?), but some good dude hooks me up and I’m out of there in 15 minutes.  Everybody–go download the backup assistant right now.  It’s a lifesaver, and free if you have a Verizon Wireless account (also free).  Off I went.

What, a month later now?  Maybe two?  Only 2 of the buttons on the front of my remanufactured, CERTIFIED phone are working.  Anger.

Back I go, and they (wisely, for the sake of their non-bloody pulped heads), hook me up with a good dude that’s working there just for the day; up from some other store.  Hooketh me upeth.  Ordered another replacement, free of charge; gratis. But wait!  You’ve got a pending charge on your account?  What’s that?  Canadian coverage coming because of your trip to the Olympics?  Sorry, we’ll have to let our superstar customer service dude help you out in the back.  Come with me, please, kind sir.


I was sure he could see my hatred in my eyes.  I was instantly quivering in rage.  Truly.

Again, I contemplated my options.  Again, I chose restraint (hard to believe, yes?  Especially considering the fun options.)  I’m not sure he recognized me, but he helped me professionally.  I almost went off after I dealt with him, but chose not to.

My phone showed up a day late.  When I went to get it activated, they had locked the door 3 minutes early.  Why did I notice the time? Because I was using their phone service to reference it.

Now, I’m trying to do it online, but their website is such a piece of meat that it keeps timing out.  Not to mention it’s unnavigable.  And that’s from a former Navigator.

Holy dogballz, I think I just got it activated.  Anyway, since it truly took longer to activate and program than it took to write this post, Verizon:  You can SUCK IT.  I hate you, and if I get to see that incompetent, lying bastard again, I will have a private conversation.  Whether with him or his manager, one way or the other.

Go AT&T!

PS:  Don’t get me started on Sirius.  Their customer service is on par.


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